First Friday

On the First Friday at my parish, after the morning Mass, is the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. I can visit Him hidden in the tabernacle at any time. And, at another nearby church, there is a 24-hour adoration chapel where He is exposed always for us to visit Him in His full presence. But the exposition commands and lowers and elevates and charges my soul.

I look forward to this all month, Our Lord held up for us, truly present in this small white host, resplendent in the monstrance, all gaze directed towards Him – Him, Our Savior; Him, who absorbs all our sins; Him, who gives us the strength to trudge forward each day through our exile in this valley of tears, under our crosses, sowing in tears on the narrowing way, in shadow and by faith; Him, Who is All, the Beginning and the End; Our Judge; Our Lord, here.

As the priest elevated the monstrance, elevated Our Lord, something happened. I saw in my mind’s eye – just as a glimmer, both in a flash and constant behind the monstrance – Our Lord very small and robed in white, His arms outstretched. I had not seen Him here in a year. Simultaneously, I saw what were like two wings of white light, elliptical, extending from behind it – sometimes alternating with the image of Our Lord, sometimes superimposed over Him. Or perhaps it was merely the defect of my fallen and unreliable senses that caused me to see it this way; it may have been both Our Lord and the soft white wings of light always all at once. It inspired me deeply in prayer.

Previous to all this, during the Mass, during the consecration, when the host was elevated, I saw in my mind’s eye the Sacred Heart of Our Lord, massive, behind and to my right of the priest – radiating such giving love and nourishment and strength and light and truth and salvation with such a desire for us to receive, like a mother’s wish for her children to be fed at her breast, that was so great, it was almost a gravitational command to all humanity- almost, for our will to choose to receive, and, for the sorrowful lack of takers around the world, equally great was the pain of this massive Heart that throbbed and swelled and radiated with Love – with so few to put their lips to it… The pangs it felt…

And I saw the same again during the elevation of the chalice.

What a remarkable morning this was.

What accounted for it I can only guess. I have been struggling with a decision of whether I should move – leave Las Vegas- or not – and, if I stayed, how I would continue to pay for all my expenses, my disability income being so small and survival all was causing my doubting heart fear. The last thought I had on the matter last night was, while looking at a picture of the Sacred Heart, that I would stay – because perhaps, for reasons beyond my reason, He desired me to. And I felt inspired and went with the feeling… And then came this morning…

And then this afternoon came again my doubts and fears and lookings at rents in other cities – and more frustrations and coming up empty of any right solution. I prayed this morning, as I returned to my place after receiving Our Lord in my mouth at Communion, “Strengthen me, oh Lord. Whatever doubts I have, whatever temptations I wrestle with and fall to in my weakness, receive me back and allow that my heart and soul will have left you never – however I doubt and flail and am disloyal to you in time, simultaneously let me remain in You in eternity.” Perhaps this is why I had the discernment to recognize and intuit falseness and dangers and sadness in each scenario.

But, Lord, how will I survive? How can I keep taking charity from those people who have given me hundreds of dollars that they can’t even afford – but which has been the only way I’ve stayed afloat all this time, by Your grace? I can’t keep taking from them and being a drain and a burden! Lead me, Lord. What do I do?